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The New Economy Dictionary March 13, 2009

Posted by shwaldman in Uncategorized.
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Another chain email, but this one made me laugh a little, so I thought I would put it up here. Just like Jay Leno coming to Michigan for a free comedy show, we all need a good laugh in these trying times.

    New Stock Market Terms

CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO – Corporate Fraud Officer
BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius
BEAR MARKET – a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.
STANDARD & POOR – Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
MARKET CORRECTION – The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor
sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS – What you jump out of when you’re the
sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR – Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT – an archaic word no longer in use.

# # # # #
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But… if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

It’s called the 401-Keg.

I am not sure of the origin, so I can’t give credit – hopefully this post is credit enough.

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